


i awake to find no peace of mind

by oxyaxel



Category: Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Anorexia, Eating Disorders, Family Dynamics, Family Issues, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Gen, Not Beta Read, Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-09
Updated: 2021-02-17
Packaged: 2021-03-14 21:41:07
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 8,904
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29302857
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/oxyaxel/pseuds/oxyaxel
Summary: tommy's hurting and his family is trying
Relationships: Wilbur Soot & Technoblade & TommyInnit & Phil Watson, Wilbur Soot & TommyInnit
Comments: 35
Kudos: 333





	1. spies came out of the water

**Author's Note:**

> (lowercase intended)  
> (title from Spies by Coldplay)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> tommy walks home from the store and is filled with guilt as he gets home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> trigger warning;  
> -implied self harm  
> -disordered eating  
> -self hatred
> 
> (lowercase intended)  
> (title from Spies by Coldplay)
> 
> i am going to blank out tommys weight in this fic because it feels wrong writing it in. it will look like this '---.-' or '--.-', ill also be blanking out his bmi which will look the same (--.-). you can insert a weight/bmi there for yourself if you'd like, just keep in mind he will be consistently loosing weight throughout the story.

tommys legs hurt from walking, his lungs hurt from the far too cold february air, his whole body hurt from the effort of continuing to hold himself up.

cold wind whipped his face as he walked, passing next to cars that were most likely speeding. he shoved his hands deeper into his pockets, a feeble attempt at fighting the cold that was seeping into his clothes. wind howled in his ears, biting at his eyes causing tears to prick in the corners.

a plastic bag hung from his arm, bumping into his leg as he walked. it held a new package of pencil sharpeners. 

he had told phil he was going to walgreens for a snack and a drink, an all to common lie that slipped past his lips a few times a week. he didn't feel bad lying to the man anymore, it was normal to him. he knew it would break phils heart if he found out tommy was lying, but if he ignored that fact then the guilt would go away.

he was hungry and he knew phil would've cooked something to die for, just like he did every night. tommy told himself over and over that the reward of waking up skinny was far better than getting to eat was. 

tommy brought a hand up to his face, rubbling at his eyes harshly to try to make himself stop thinking about food. his fingers felt colder than the freezing air around him, but that was nothing abnormal. 

tommy saw his house and made a feeble attempt to walk a bit faster, his legs being too tired to really speed up all that much. he knew phil would want him to get home before dark and he didn't want to worry him. 

the sun was sinking ever closer to the horizon which only made the air around him colder, nipping at his already red face. 

he knew phil and his brothers would be sitting at the kitchen table eating whatever phil decided to put together for them. this thought only made him feel worse.

the cold was settling in his skin as he walked up the concrete steps of his home, dim yellow light radiating from the porch light phil had probably turned on for him while he was out.

he opened the door, shivering as warm air rushed past him from inside the house. he stripped his coat off and tossed it on the floor, carrying his bag with him into the kitchen.

"I'm back!" he announced as he walked in, the smell of steak and roast potatoes smacking him in the face making his stomach scream.

"you get back okay? you look freezing," phil said, looking up from his plate.

"you look like you're about ready to die from hypothermia," wilbur commented.

"oh no, im good, smells nice in here phil."

phil smiled at him, wilbur and techno nodded in agreement with tommy. 

"whatcha get from the store?" techno asked.

"i just got a box of mints for school, tests and stuff. ms. whats-her-face said it would help with concentration or whatever." he lied.

"let me have some," techno said, holding his hand out.

"hell no, get your own."

"language. get yourself some dinner kiddo, we got steak and potatoes but i made some mushrooms for you if you'd rather have that instead of meat," phil spoke.

guilt hit tommy in the stomach, he wasn't planning on eating dinner but phil had cooked something for him. he knew tommy didn't like meat so much and had gone out of his way to cook something else just for him. tears pricked at his eyes.

"im, um," he cleared his throat, "im gonna eat later, if thats alright, i wanted to take a shower first. i still feel kind of gross from school and im cold still." he said, scared that he was over explaining like he often did.

no one noticed and took the common excuse for truth.

"come on tommy, come eat with us, you never sit down anymore" techno said, looking at him with disappointment.

that hurt tommy, he already felt guilty. why did techno have to make it worse.

"let him alone, thats alright toms, go have your shower." phil sighed, silently agreeing with techno.

tommy smiled and headed upstairs, guilt settling into the pit of his stomach.

he shut his bedroom door behind him, flicking on his lamp that bathed the room in warm white light. he felt like crying.

he knew he was upsetting phil by not eating with the family, but what could he do? there were more important things than keeping his family happy. he knew he should be trying to upkeep his relationship with his brothers but why spend time with the people closest to him instead of working out or pouring over numbers he knew deep, deep down were close to meaningless.

his fingers fumbled with the cardboard on the back of the pack of pencil sharpeners he had bought, they were the cheap kind, 15 for 6 dollars. bright colors of plastic in different shapes, easy to unscrew blades that lay in the middle. 

he tossed the packaging in his trashcan and set the sharpeners in his nightstand drawer. he told himself he needed to take his trash downstairs because there had to be at least five meals of rotting food techno had brought up to him over the past week sitting in there. it didn't gross him out anymore, he'd been tossing out food in his room for months now.

he walked out of his room and peeked down the stairs, wilbur was on the couch playing guitar for phil and techno while they cleaned the kitchen. he wanted to stop and listen for a minute but he needed to shower. 

he closed the bathroom door behind him and set his phone down on the counter. he looked in the mirror, pulling slightly at the purple marks under his eyes and ruffling his hair. he looked a bit of a wreck but he could hardly remember a time when he didn't. he opened spotify on his phone and stared blankly at his playlists, trying to decide what to listen to before falling on coldplay. 

he shuffled the album parachutes and turned on the water, coming back to the mirror to stare at himself. 

his mind filled itself with half-assed hate, commenting blandly about how he looked wrong, was too chubby in all the wrong places. nothing tommy hadn't told himself before. he pulled his shirt up slightly, pinching at the thin layer of fat over his already nearly concave stomach. 

he stripped his clothes off and stepped on the scale that sat in the corner of the bathroom, ---.--. not good enough.

tommy knew it would never be good enough but if he believed there was a weight where he could be happy with himself, then he would force himself to get there.

he flicked off the lights before stepping into the water, he didn't want this shower to be miserable.


	2. and you're feeling so bad 'cause you know

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> tommy has a breakdown

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> trigger warning;  
> -panic attack  
> -over exertion through exercise  
> -disordered eating
> 
> this chapter picks up the morning after the last chapter, it also cuts off very abruptly. sorry about that lol

light flitted through tommys blinds, casting long vertical strips of light over his room. the only other light source in the room being tommys clock reading 5:26 AM in bright red, blocky letters. 

it was still cold in the kids room, the air still and silent. the night had brought nothing but colder weather to the home and the heat was run sparingly with thoughts of conserving energy. 

tommy was on his floor, chest heaving as he tried to finish his workout. he lay on the ground, shaking from effort. 

he had been awake since 5 in the morning, when the sun was still asleep under the horizon. he was internally screaming at himself to just get up and finish burning uneaten calories, but he felt far too weak to move at all. 

hunger gnawed at his insides, which was weird. he wasn't usually this hungry in the morning. he had no appetite, and any want for food was quickly crushed by thoughts of the meal he had the day before yesterday. he hadn't eaten in 41 hours. 

he lay still for a while, trying to listen for anything making noise outside. he would kill to hear birds chirping but it was far too cold for the songbirds to be around. 

he got up, wanting to go down to the kitchen for a glass of water but turning into the hallway instead. he locked the bathroom door behind him and stripped his clothes off, shivering. 

he stepped on the scale, not bothering to look at himself in the mirror. he knew what would be there and he didnt feel like tossing insults at himself at the minute. he had done enough of that while working out. 

he looked down at the number between his feet, ---.-. disgusting. he had dropped a bit from last night but it was probably mostly water weight. 

he dressed again, avoiding eye contact with the mirror. he brushed his teeth and rubbed his face with a damp cloth. he looked at the bags under his eyes, he doesn't remember a time where he could look at himself and that wasn't the first thing he saw. 

he left the bathroom, flicking off the light behind him. 

tommy heard his family slowly start to wake up, could smell phil making something for breakfast. tommy had no interest in what the man was cooking, the thought of eating making him feel sick. 

he laid in his bed on his side, scrolling through reddit. the occasional photo of a far-too-thin body passing before his eyes. it didnt bother him much anymore. 

his door opened and he picked his head up to look who it was. 

"knock next time please," he said, trying not to should rude. 

"good morning to you too toms," wilbur spoke, shutting the door behind him and sitting on the edge of tommys bed.

"morning wil, what are you doin in here? i thought you've been sleeping real late recently," it was true, wilbur had been sleeping until noon or so on the weekends. 

"i couldnt sleep last night, i was having a think." 

"thats rare for you," tommy laughed, wilbur rolled his eyes, "what were you thinking about?" 

"well," wilbur shifted, looking slightly nervous, far from his normal demeanor, "tech brought up something last night, in the kitchen and i wanted to talk about it with you." 

tommys stomach dropped, six in the morning and he was already dealing with this shit. he said nothing, staring at his brother with a stone-like expression.

wilbur sighed, "tech said how you haven't been sitting down for dinner recently," 

or for months, tommy thought to himself.

"why haven't you been?"

tommy said nothing, staring at his brother with cold eyes. his stomach ached from anxiety and his eyes burned. he felt sick.

"tommy i want to have a talk, i don't want to have a 'i sit and talk at you while you look at me like I've killed your entire family', i just want to understand." 

tommy nodded, swallowing down tears. he felt like he was being accused. he was exhausted and starving, not that he would admit it.

"talk to me man, i just.." wilbur sighed, "i just want to know if you're okay."

tommy opened his mouth and shut it again, he cleared his throat.

"im sorry-y." his voice broke.

he cupped his face in his hands. he wished he was alone, god why was he so stupid. why didnt he pretend to be sleeping. he could've avoided this.

wilbur pulled tommy into his arms, holding him lightly. tommy had been so quick to burst into tears as of lately. 

"im not accusing you toms, i just wanna know what going on. im worried, phils worried, hell! even technos worried, and you know how he is." wilbur said laughing, attempting to cheer the kid up.

tommy sobbed, burying his face in his brothers shoulder. tears stained the mustard yellow sweater wilbur had on as he hugged tommy tighter.

"do you want me to get phil?" 

tommy frantically shook his head, no one needed to know he started crying just from his brother attempting to make conversation with him. you're fucking stupid, he told himself, a sensitive brat who can't interact normally with people, you're a failure. the mantra continued in his head, his breathing quickened.

"tommy, its okay. you're okay, I've got you." wilburs voice was riddled with fear. 

he had handled tommy breaking down before but usually the kid would be completely fine with his dad getting involved. this is one of the only times wil could remember tommy turning down phils help.

tommy sobbed harder, he felt dizzy. he clutched at wilburs sweater, the first affection he had had from anyone in a while. he had been turning down hugs, cuddling, any physical touch at all in fear of people feeling his body under his clothes. 

"m fucking dyin-g," tommy mumbled through sobs, he was so, so tired. 

wilbur tensed, he hadn't heard those words in a while. tommy used to scream that phrase while sobbing, rolling on the floor of his room, insisting he was going to die while phil sat next to him, waiting for him to calm down.

"its okay, come on," wilbur pulled the kid into his arms and picked him up, quite an easy feat considering tommys ever lowering weight.

tommy sobbed in wilburs arms, shivering from the cold air that didnt seem to bother wilbur at all.

"no, no. im sorry." 

wilbur nudged tommys door open with his foot, wanting more than anything for phil to come and help him.

phil looked up the stairs, panic flooding his eyes as he saw a crying tommy in wils arms. 

phil quickly came up the stairs, taking tommy out of wilburs grip and hugging the crying child against his chest.

"what happened?" phil whispered.

"i tried to talk to him and he broke down, i don't know." 

tommys sobs were quieting now, reduced to fast breathing and thick tears streaming from his eyes.

"its okay tommy," phil hushed, sitting down on the carpet. wilbur followed suit, sitting next to phil and carding through tommys hair.

"you're okay."


	3. and the spies hide out in every corner

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> tommy talks with his family and then has a nap with wilbur and techno.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> trigger warning;  
> -talk of sensitive topics (including talking about a suicide attempt, take care of yourselves <3)
> 
> this chapter takes place 30-45 minutes after the last chapter ended off.

daylight streamed through the windows of the home, casting warm light over the four figures seated in the living room.

tommy half laid-half sat against phil, his breathing slow as sleep threatened to take him. phil raked his fingers through the kids hair like he had been for half an hour now.

wilbur and technoblade sat on the smaller couch, opposite to their father and younger brother. the twins leaned against each other, holding hands. they were both nervous, techno having been woken up only around ten minutes ago and dragged downstairs by wil.

tommy was awake but laying quite still, he was trying to fall asleep. his panic attack had left him exhausted, coupled with the strenuous workout from the early morning. he wished he was in his bed, sleeping.

phil was halfway holding tommy, the mans arms around tommys back, his head resting against phils chest. 

the hand in tommys hair stilled, and he was shaken 'awake' by the man holding him. he sighed, he knew he was going to have to talk to his family but he really didnt want to. 

"tommy," phil whispered, "are you feeling better bud?"

the kid nestled his face into phils t-shirt, nodding.

tommy heard the twins move a bit, probably shifting themselves so they could participate in the talk better.

"what happened tommy?" techno asked quietly. it was out of character for techno to ask about something first, in any scenario.

tommy felt more tears well up in his still red eyes. he wasn't ready for this, he didnt want to talk, he didnt want to accidentally give something away. the newly healing scars that no-one knew about suddenly felt obvious, he thought about all the times he skipped dinner and didn't cover it up that well.

"tommy you gotta talk to us," phil said, rubbing the kids back to comfort him. 

tommy sniffed. "im just tired," his throat was scratchy when he spoke. 

"we all know thats not the only thing happening," techno said, sounding genuine.

"i know," tommy started, his words failing him.

"we want to know whats up toms, were all worried. you've looked a mess for months now, i know you see it too. i know you haven't been sleeping cause i can hear you awake at one in the morning every day. you stopped sitting down to dinner with us in, like, july. you're always up in you're room. you've been acting different for months. no-ones mad, we just saw this with wilbur before he.." techno trailed off.

wilbur looked at the floor, the long scar across his wrist feeling all too present at the moment. techno squeezed wils hand in reassurance.

"we aren't mad tommy, im not accusing you, no-one is. were worried. worried sick. and i know you feel awful, i can see it in you're eyes every damn day. we just want to understand. i want to understand. we want to help." 

tommy could feel his pink haired brother staring at the back of his head. tears had started to slip from his eyes, soaking dark grey patches into phils shirt.

"we've been watching you waste away toms," wilbur picked up where techno left off. "phil and tech watched you sob and scream and all that while i was away. when i came back you looked in better condition than you do now."

painful memories flooded tommys head, thinking of all the nights he spent in phils arms, screaming about how he needed his wilbur back. all the nights he spent sleeping in technos bed because he couldn't bare to be on his own. the days where he wouldn't get out of bed. techno wouldn't move from his side, scared his younger brother would copy wilbur. 

tommy pulled back from phils chest, shakily getting up and collapsing in between the twins. he felt his older brothers arms wrap around him. 

the kid tried to clear his throat but ended up coughing harshly, his throat raw from sobbing.

"i just.. i don't know what you want me to explain cause its all so much and im just-" tommy sniffed, tears slipping from his tired eyes.

"you can start with why you've been feeling bad lately," phil offered softly.

tommy shook his head "i don't have a reason," he knew that was a lie but he didnt- couldn't tell them what had been going on.

he hardly considered his eating habits a disorder. he was just dieting, was just restricting his calories like the internet had been telling him to do. he just wanted to loose a bit of weight to fit in with everyone else. he's fine! he's completely fine, why was he even here? he's healthy, he just wanted- NEEDED to be thin. he needed to be skinny like the other kids in his grade. once he was skinny he would be happy and everything would be okay and-

techno shook his arm lightly, "tommy?"

tommy realized he had stopped talking and begun staring at the floor instead.

"sorry."

"its okay toms, can you tell me why you haven't been spending much time with us?" wilbur asked kindly.

"or why you havent been coming to dinner?" techno added.

"I've just, its just.. its hard to be around people right now. it makes me so tired and it makes me feel sick to spend time with people," tommy took a breath, he could feel wilbur rubbing his arm lightly to comfort him into continuing to talk. 

"it just wears me out so much and i never have any energy. like.. like school is too hard cause there too many people there and they're always talking. and it makes me so tired and im always too tired." tears started streaming down tommys face as he spoke. 

"and then im too tired to sleep. i lay down and i want to cry and scream and go anywhere else. and im so exhausted and i don't know what to do and- and-" his voice broke.

techno pulled the kid halfway into his lap, holding him tight and shushing him. tommy cried into techs sweatshirt, hugging his brother just as tight.

"you're okay tommy, its okay. you dont need to keep talking if its too much." phil said softly.

tommy picked his head up a bit, just enough to continue speaking.

"everything hurts so much and i don't know what to do-" he sobbed "im fucking dying, it feels like im dying and i don't know what to do-" 

techno held tommy tighter, looking at phil for guidance. phil nodded at the steps.

"come on tommy, lets get you back to sleep. were gonna help you okay, you're gonna be okay." techno whispered, scooping tommy in his arms and standing up, wilbur quickly following suit.

"i don't want to go in my room, i want to-" tommy sucked a breath in, sobs wracking his body. "i don't want to be by myself."

"okay, okay. you can come sleep in my room, okay? and wilbur will come too and we can take a nap." techno said gently, carrying tommy up the stairs and turning toward his own room.

tommy shook in his brothers arms, reaching for him when techno set him on the bed.

he couldn't be by himself, he couldn't. 

techno held tommys hand with one hand, rubbing his back with the other. tommy tried to listen to his brothers quietly mumbling from next to him but exhaustion was quickly drowning out everything.

the last thing he felt before falling asleep was the blankets being tugged over his body. wilbur and techno climbed in the bed beside him.

his body hurt. everything hurt. his eyes stung from crying. hunger clawed at his stomach. 

he felt guilty.


	4. i awake to see that no one is free

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> tommy hides in the bathroom

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> trigger warning;  
> -HEAVY self harm (cutting)  
> -(thoughts of) body horror/self mutilation  
> -blood loss  
> -extremely suicidal thoughts and actions  
> -self hatred
> 
> please be careful with yourself. this chapter is tough and, if im honest, kind of disgusting. it was hard to write and im sure it might be hard to read.
> 
> this chapter takes place around two weeks after the last one left off.

the bathroom was dark, the small nightlight plugged in by the sink being the only source of light. the air was chilled from the midnight temperatures outside.

tommy was sitting on the ground, cold seeping into his skin from the tile he leaned against.

his sleeve was pulled up, healed scars slightly raised from his pale skin. his hands were shaking, only partly from the cold.

he held a blade in his hand, not quite sure if he wanted to hurt himself tonight. it had been a while since he did.

his mind played tug of war with itself, screaming at him to take the small razor in his hand and carve it deep into his flesh. begging him to end it all with one quick, vertical slash into his wrist. have matching scars with wilbur, only one of the two being alive to compare toughened skin. only one of the two being discovered still breathing. 

wilbur had something to live for, but tommy didnt. wilbur was smart, kind, the perfect kid. so was techno. tommys a disappointment, a waste of oxygen and space.

the other half of his head pleaded for the kid to go to sleep, telling him that laying in bed for a day or two would be better than laying six feet under the dirt. telling him it would be better to have greasy hair for a while than have rotting, blue skin that seeped through his coffin after weeks of being left alone.

would anyone visit his grave? would phil hold a funeral? if he did it wouldn't be open casket, no one would WANT to look at tommys body, dead or alive.

he wished it was easier. he wanted to end it, he wanted the endless arguing to stop. it would be easy, right?

a deep cut into either of his arms would do the trick, his already suffering body bleeding out from a self inflicted wound. 

he thought about who would find his, hopefully, already cold body on the floor. what if it was techno? techno was the one who found wilbur, screaming for phil at ten in the evening.

tommy remembered the ambulance lights outside his house that night, taking his brother away. would the same thing happen for him? was he important enough for an ambulance? what if when his body was found, no one really cared. what if they called someone to take his corpse away, not sparing his lifeless form a second glance?

tommy lifted the blade to his wrist, perpendicular to his arm. he stared, unfeeling, at the piece of metal he held against his arm.

what was this all for? why was he doing this? 

why couldn't bring himself to slit his pathetic wrists down the middle? let his life and his memories drain onto the cold floor, leaving the mess for someone else to clean. just like he often did.

wilbur did it, why couldn't he? 

you're weak, he told himself, you're not good enough, never were, never will be. 

tommy pushed the tip of the blade into his skin, quickly dragging it across his flesh. the white line filled with blood, dripping down his arm after a moment.

he did it again, wanting to loose himself in the sensation of metal against skin.

one harsh vertical cut would be all it would take to put him to sleep, he knew that. he wanted that.

he didnt want to live in this awful body anymore. 

he could almost feel the fat under his skin, the intrusive thought wiggling itself into his head. he was disgusted, he wanted to take the blade and cut into his stomach and reach under his skin to grab the fat and pull it out. it wasnt supposed to be there.

maybe he would take a kitchen knife and do it, one of the big ones phil used to cook. he could slice deep into his flesh and scrape every last bit of fat away, leaving him thin. finally fucking thin. beautiful and god damn thin.

his arm was furiously bleeding at this point, tommy having been slicing at his forearm for minutes without break. blood clots collected on his irritated skin, some slipping down and collection in a small puddle of blood on his sweater. 

he paid no mind to the mess, he was effectively ruining one of his shirts but he didnt care. 

maybe if he bled enough he could loose a bit of weight.

his mind came back to his body and the fat that sat under his skin. disgusting, he told himself. he knew it to be true, he convinced himself he was the most awful thing to crawl the earth. 

his eyes stared, unblinking and unwavering, at his gruesome mess of an arm. the cuts weren't too horribly deep but they overlapped, causing the intersecting gashes to split open wider.

his hand stopped moving. he was done. he was tired. 

he didnt want to clean the mess up. 

tommys mind felt foggy and his skin tingled. he felt like passing out. maybe he would just sleep here? but he didnt want to sleep in a mess of clotting blood, he couldn't.

"techno," he called, not very loud but definitely loud enough to get his brothers attention.

tommy slumped over, he felt too weak to continue sitting up. 

"tommy?" techno asked, knocking at the door. 

tommy groaned, the fuzzy feeling in his head was starting to get uncomfortable. 

"tommy?" techno asked again, knocking at the door louder, "are you okay?"

tommy faintly heard wilburs voice on the other side of the door.

"tommy open the fucking door," wilbur said harshly, poorly attempting to cover the panic that plagued his thoughts.

tommy shut his eyes, he was too tired to move. he was too tired to think.

he heard the door slam open. didn't he lock it?

he remembered locking it.

he heard screaming, he felt himself be tugged into someones arms.

he wanted to go to bed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> psa; this was NOT a suicide attempt, tommy just got carried away. no ones gonna die in this fic, dw :)


	5. we're all fugitives, look at the way we live

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> tommy goes to the hospital

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> trigger warning;  
> -hospitals  
> -medical equipment  
> -self harm references  
> -gore  
> -suicidal thoughts  
> -intrusive (eating disorder related) thoughts
> 
> this chapter picks up a few hours after the last chapter ended off.

harsh white hospital light washed over the room, making it impossible to tell what time of day it was.

the smell of disinfectant was thick in the air. a disgusting, sterile smell burning the lungs of anyone to walk into the ER.

tommy lay in his slightly uncomfortable hospital bed.

he had an iv in his right arm, a glucose drip that he had tried oh so hard to refuse. he had beed forced down and strapped to the bed, just to get the needle in his arm.

his left arm was tightly wrapped in white bandages that were changed every hour or so.

tommy tried to recall how he got to the hospital, the last thing he could remember before supposedly blacking out was laying on the bathroom floor in a mess of his own blood. no-one had informed him of what had happened.

techno laid at tommys side, the pink haired boys arms wrapped around the smaller kid. tommy had forced tech to lay with him, he refused to be alone. 

wilbur was sitting on the small couch in the room, half asleep. he had been waiting for his brother to wake up but had begun falling asleep from exhaustion.

tommy heard phil and what he assumed to be a doctor quietly talking outside the room, he tried to listen but his head ached. he wanted someone to tell him what happened. 

he wanted someone to tell him he's going to be okay.

the iv held half of his minds attention, he had physically fought the nurses that attempted to administer the iv. he had used all the strength he had left in his body to try and refuse it.

he thought about the calories, the constant drip of liquid calories flowing straight into his bloodstream. erasing weeks of progress. weeks of hard work and starvation foiled by a plastic bag of sugar water.

he wanted to vomit. he wasn't in control, he needed to be in control. 

if only he had cut deeper, then he wouldn't have to be dealing with this.

tommy felt his pink haired brother shift against him.

he felt guilty. 

the kids thoughts were interrupted by phil walking into the room, taking immediate notice that his son had woken up.

"oh my god tommy," phil whispered, his voice shaking slightly.

tommy said nothing, tears brimming in his eyes as his father leaned down and wrapped his arms around the kid. tommy wanted to hug him back but his arms were strapped to the bed. 

"im sorry dad, im sorry i didnt mean to-" tommys voice broke. he felt horrible. he missed his dad even though the man was right there, hugging him. 

"its okay tommy, its okay. you're okay, thats what matters," phil sniffed, a few silent tears rolling down the fathers face.

tommy had never seen his dad cry before. it hurt far more than he thought it would.

"i thought i was gonna lose you. i don't know what i would do if i lost you, i don't know what i would do tommy. i wouldn't be able to grow without you, i wouldn't be who i am right now without you. i love you so, so much, okay? so much, you have no idea. i love you more than you can imagine."

his dad sounded like his soul had been ripped apart. 

"im sorry. im sorry, im sorry, im sorry, im sorry. i love you too, im sorry." tommy repeated, over and over in a whisper. he was terrified. 

"you're still here, you're still here and I've got you, you're gonna be okay." phil said softly, his voice wavering. 

phil sounded like he was trying to convince himself his son was gonna be okay, rather than comforting tommy. which was okay, tommy thought to himself.

maybe tommy was glad he didnt cut deeper. maybe he was grateful he didnt die.

phil took his arms away from around tommy, wiping at his eyes.

"i have to go tell the doctor you're awake, okay? you'll be okay, techs got you." 

more tears fell from tommys eyes as phil left the room. 

"techno," tommy whispered, desperately wanting his brother to wake up but not wanting to be the one to disturb him.

techno immediately woke up, tightening his grip on tommy slightly. tommy sniffed, trying to curl into technos chest but being mostly unable to with his arms being restrained. 

why wouldn't the doctor come in and let his arms out.

"tommy," technos voice was scratchy, his eyes were puffy and irritated. he looked as if he had been crying for hours before falling asleep.

"tommy if you ever do it again i swear to god ill kill you before blood loss does." tears poured down technos face as he spoke.

"im sorry tech, im sorry." tommy whispered.

techno held tommy, both of them sobbing quietly.

tommy heard wilbur get up from the couch.

"jesus fucking christ," wilbur whispered, sitting on the bed and leaning over his two crying brothers, holding both of them.

"wilbur im sorry," tommy choked out, wanting desperately to hug his family back.

"tommy we could've lost you, we could've lost you and never gotten you back." wilbur said, voice cracking and tears brimming in his eyes.

tommy sobbed loudly, unable to control his breathing anymore. his heat hurt worse than his mangled arm.

techno held tommy tighter and wilbur climbed into the bed next to his other brothers. it was uncomfortable to force three people into one hospital bed but all three of them wanted to be as close together as possible.

they needed to be close together.

tommy felt like he had lost something more than blood in the bathroom.

something more important than the red liquid in his veins.

all three brothers were sobbing, the two of them with free arms clinging to the others. 

tommy felt like he had hurt his family worse than he had hurt himself. 

he told himself he wanted to die, but as soon as the thought came to his head he sobbed harder. he missed his family so, so badly right now and they were all within twenty feet of him.

how badly would he be missing his family if he was six feet under the dirt?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THANK YOU GUYS SO MUCH FOR THE SUPPORT!!! it honestly means the world to me that people are enjoying my writing :) i love you all, take care of yourselves <3
> 
> ps; i cried nearly the entire time while writing this chapter


	6. down here, i cannot sleep from fear

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> tommy talks to his dad

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> trigger warning;  
> -talk of sensitive subjects (including suicide, self harm, disordered eating)  
> -medical equipment 
> 
> this chapter picks up around twelve hours after the last one ended. 
> 
> (also thanks to my bsf for helping me write this chapter, he sat there and was fucking annoying the entire time so thanks a bestie love u!! <3)

the smell of disinfectant didnt go away, it stayed sickeningly strong at all times. tables, empty beds, windows, floors, every surface that could collect debris was washed down with antibacterials far too often. 

it was dim in the hospital room, the recovery room having a lamp on the nightstand.

tommy had been transferred from the intensive care unit to a recovery room where he was laying with phil.

the switching of rooms was not taken well by tommy, the boy having thrown a fit when told he was going to be moved. the nurse had to take him in a wheelchair and that meant he couldn't be in physical contact with any of his family.

the kid had pounced on the opportunity to rip out the iv from his arm as soon as his arms were unbound but wilbur stopped him. not a difficult feat since tommy was still so physically weak.

tommy had attempted to fight wilbur off but once the nurse threatened to restrain him again, he sat still.

when wilbur asked why he was so intent on removing the iv, tommy said nothing. he felt horrible but the constant drip of calories was much more upsetting to the boy than worrying his brother.

tommy was laying in phils lap now, having been there for a few hours. tommy refused to let his father get up ever since he had laid down with his son when they had gotten to the recovery unit.

wilbur and techno had left the room together to go to the food court.

"phil" 

phil looked down at his son, carding his fingers through the boys unwashed hair.

"whats up kiddo?"

tommy didnt say anything, he didnt exactly know what he wanted to ask his dad but he was tired of not talking. he curled into himself a bit more.

"are you okay toms? i can text wil to get you something from the food court if you're hungry." phil offered, trying his best to figure out what the kid needed.

"no thanks." tommy paused, thinking. "can you tell me what happened last night? like how i got to the hospital and.." he trailed off.

phil swallowed, he didnt really want to relive the events from that night but he would do anything to make his kid feel better.

"sure i can toms, are you sure you don't want anything? you haven't eaten in so long." phil sounded worried.

it was nothing new to tommy, phil often spoke about how little he ate, always with that concerned tone of voice. it was tiring at times, he knew his dad just wanted him to be healthy but shedding weight was more important.

"i don't want anything. i don't remember anything past when someone broke the door down so can you start there?" tommy desperately wanted to get away from the topic of food.

hunger had been clawing at his insides for a while now. he told himself it was unjustified because he had a constant flow of calories. 

god he wanted the fucking iv out of his arm.

"wilbur broke the door down, he picked you up too. techs the one that screamed, if you remember hearing that."

"yeah."

"well i had techno call 999, he didnt want to see you like that. me and wil sat in the bathroom with you, holding a towel to your arm."

"was i bleeding that much?"

"yeah, we.." phil stopped talking. 

tommy looked up at his dad, the man had tears in his eyes. tommy hugged him tighter, burying his face in phils sweater.

"we didnt think you were gonna make it. we all said goodbye to you while we waited for the ambulance to come." phils voice wavered.

they had said goodbye to him.

it all of a sudden felt too real.

"i've never seen your brothers cry harder, i don't think i've ever cried harder."

tommy hated himself. he fucking despised himself. how could he do something to cause his own family that much heartache. 

"i didnt," tommy paused, he felt like crying. "i didnt think you would miss me. i didnt think wilbur or techno would miss me either."

phil pulled tommy tighter against him, tightening his grip on the boy. 

"toms, i don't think we would make it without you. you hold us together. all of us." tears dripped down phils face, silent and painful. 

tommy lay still in his dads arms, he felt nauseous. he tried to keep tears at bay, he didnt want to cry. seeing his dad openly crying was painful enough.

"after the ambulance showed up, they took you. techno screamed when the took you out of my arms, he didnt want you to leave. i drove behind the ambulance on the way to the hospital." phil paused, getting his breathing under control.

"why did you take my to the hospital if you thought i wasn't gonna make it?" tommy asked, voice breaking. 

phil exhaled quickly, more tears slipping down his face.

"we had to try toms,"

tommy sobbed, clutching his dads sweater in his cold hands. 

"we got to the hospital and they brought you in on a gurney. i don't know what they did with you for a while after that, me and your brothers sat in the lobby waiting to get called back to see you."

tommy was grateful that phil kept talking. he couldnt handle silence.

"next time we saw you they had gotten your arm stitched up-"

"how many stitches?" tommy interrupted. he'd been wanting to ask for a while, and he couldn't count them because his arm was still being kept in bandages.

"eleven."

tommy didnt really know if that was a lot and he didnt feel like asking.

"how long did it take me to wake up?"

phil sniffed, it was obvious that he hated thinking back to the night but tommy needed to know everything he could.

"you were out for maybe four hours, then you woke up for the first time and tried to fight the nurse while she was giving you your iv, then you fell back asleep." 

tommy laughed quietly, as did phil. 

"then you woke up again and forced tech to lay with you for a few hours."

tommy nodded.

"phil"

tommys voice was scratchy, exhaustion quickly creeping up on him. 

"you alright toms?" phil sounded worried again, like he always did.

"im gonna sleep."

"are you sure you don't want anything to eat? i can text wilbur or techno, they won't mind bringing you something. or i can call the nurse and she can give you something." tommy could tell his dad was desperate for him to eat something.

"i don't want anything."

phil sighed.

"i love you tommy," phil whispered after a minute of silence.

"i love you too dad."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please give me feedback in the comments!! i want criticism!! <3


	7. i said which way do i turn

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> tommy and wilbur talk

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> trigger warning;  
> -talk of sensitive subjects (self harm, suicide, eating disorders, medical equipment)  
> -disordered eating  
> -self hatred
> 
> this chapter picks up around a day after the last one left off.
> 
> ps; sorry for no update yesterday! i was way too tired lol. also excuse any typos, im exhausted and i don't feel like reading over this.
> 
> <3

there was no light in the hospital room. no source of light inside the room was turned on and the curtains were drawn, blocking out yellowish streetlights and neon signs.

tommy lay in his hospital bed alone.

he'd been alone for an entire day now. phil needed to go to work, wilbur and techno both had school to attend. they couldn't stay with tommy the entire time he was being held at the hospital.

he had eaten dinner today, the nurse had brought him a plate with shredded chicken, roasted potatoes, crackers, chocolate cake, and juice. he didnt eat all of it.

he still had the glucose drip.

he heard a knock at his door and looked up to see what it was. wilbur opened his door as he looked up.

"wil?"

"hi toms."

"i thought no one was coming today?" tommy remembered phil saying he'd be alone until tomorrow evening.

"i thought you'd want someone, you feeling okay?" wilbur walked over and sat on the edge of tommys bed.

"im fine, how'd you get phil to let you drive it like midnight."

"he didnt let me, i just left. im seventeen for fucks sake, i should be able to drive and see my brother in the hospital if i feel like it." wilbur chuckled a bit, kicking his shows on the floor.

"are you staying for a while?"

tommy prayed he would say yes. he hated being in the hospital alone. it was uncomfortable, having nurses waltz into his room whenever they felt like it to check on him. he thought he would've been able to leave by now, since his arm was healing fine, but phil was having them keep him for longer.

"ill stay as long as you want me to, ill sleep here of you want but ill have to leave by eight-thirty tomorrow."

"you don't have to," tommy didnt want to come off as clingy.

"do you want me to?"

tommy looked at his hands, falling quiet for a moment.

"yeah, i guess so," tommy looked up at wilbur," only cause im bored though, no other reason."

they both laughed, wilbur rolling his eyes.

"whatever you say, did you eat dinner?" wilbur asked, looking at the half empty plate on tommys bedside table.

"um, yeah some. i don't feel good so i didnt eat very much." a lie, one he told too often.

wilbur looked at tommy, "tommy you know you should have been discharged from this place, like, the day after you got here, right?"

wilburs voice was serious, a harsh contrast in how it had been just a moment ago. it made tommy uncomfortable, he felt like he was getting yelled at.

"yeah?" he felt sick already, he didnt want to have a serious talk right now.

"and phils keeping you in here for longer, and both me and techno know about how he's keeping you in here longer."

tommy nodded.

"-and phils not telling us why but its so obvious already, we all know." 

"wilbur i know you have something to say to me so why can't you just spit it out already." if he pretended to be pissed off, he wouldn't start crying, right?

right?

"tommy you haven't eaten normally for months."

there it was. there were the words he had been dreading. he could get out of this though. he's good at lying, he's been doing it forever, he can lie his way out of this. even if he can't, they can't make him eat. sure they can force sugar water into his veins and strap him to a bed, but they can. not. make him eat.

"tommy, you can't just give an excuse and be done here. you're dying. you're fucking dying. you are going to die if you go on without help."

tommy told himself his brother was lying, he wanted wilbur to be lying. 

"you're gonna be transferred to an eating disorder unit this weekend. phil wanted to wait to tell you but i feel like its better that you know now."

no. no. no. NO. they can't do that, all of the fucking progress he's made, everything he's poured into getting thin, he's not even thin yet for gods sake. they can't admit him to inpatient, they can't. they're not going to because he's not even sick! 

tommys mind screamed at him, he regretted eating dinner. he wanted to throw up.

"i don't have an eating disorder."

"you're lying to yourself toms. you're skin and fucking bones. don't try to tell me you aren't sick. you are. you've been deteriorating in front of us for-fucking-ever. phils been ignoring it, he's been in denial. techno comes crying to me every night about it. we all know, tommy. you're dying."

tommy refused to let the tears in his eyes fall. 

"it took a suicide attempt for phil to do something, tommy."

"i didn't try to kill myself, it was an accident." 

that wasn't a lie. he wanted wilbur to understand that he wasn't lying about that.

"i know, but you could've died from it. you could've died from it because your body's so weak and exhausted from starving and working out that it gave out from cutting."

he knew? he thought he had been quiet when he worked out?

"how'd you know? about the working out and.." he trailed off. 

"i've heard you hyperventilating at five in the morning a million fucking times. i just didnt know what to do so i didnt say anything. none of knew what to do so we all let it happen."

tommy swallowed hard. searing tears slipping down his cheeks.

"im sorry."

wilbur grabbed tommy and wrapped his arms around him.

"im sorry, i just wanted to- i just. i don't know." tommy tried his best not to break down sobbing.

"its okay tommy, we're gonna help you. you just have to work with us."

tommy sniffed. he knew he couldnt do that. he could let himself erase everything he'd worked for just to make his family feel better about themselves. 

"im not going to the ward." he tried to sound assertive but failed miserably. 

he felt pathetic.

"you don't have a choice." wilbur hugged the boy in his arms tighter.

"i won't eat then."

he didn't care anymore. wil knew fucking everything, there was no point in faking it.

"they'll tube you."

shit.

tommy broke down, he didnt know what to do. he he'd completely no control over his own life. his own fucking life. 

for the first time since his talk with phil, he wished he'd cut deeper. 

being dead was better than being fat.

"its gonna be okay tommy," wilbur pulled his legs up on the bed, laying down and cradling tommy against his chest.

tommy clung to his brother, like that would somehow make it so he wouldnt have to go to inpatient. 

he cried harder.

wilbur ran his fingers through the boys hair.

"its gonna be okay."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ps; phils a v good dad, he just didnt know what to do, so don't worry about that :)


	8. oh i forget everything i learn

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> tommy has some alone time

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> trigger warning;  
> -self deprecation/hatred  
> -(mentioned) self harm, suicide attempt   
> -disordered eating
> 
> this chapter takes place a few days after the last one left off
> 
> ps; im too tired to read over this, so excuse any spelling/grammar errors

the hospital room was dark, again. it felt empty, sterile, silent, lonely. the one course of light being tommys phone screen, but even that did little to light up the room.

tommy lay still in his bed, mindlessly scrolling through reddit. he wasn't really focused on the posts that presented themselves on his screen, rather thinking about how he would be away from his family for up to two months.

he had to leave for inpatient treatment the morning after next.

he wanted desperately for someone to be there with him, but phil had an important work event that lasted until midnight, wilbur had a school project due the next day that he needed to finish, and techno was too scared to drive alone in the dark.

he felt so fucking alone.

his phone would be taken up before he got to the mental hospital. it was his only source of distraction and he was devastated that he wouldn't have it during his say, but he understood why they needed to take it away.

his photo album crawled with images of starving, dying bodies he used as inspiration. along with photos of his own body he had taken to document his 'progress'.

all of his social medias were accompanied with an alt account, where he interacted with other people with eating disorders. often cheering each other on and giving put advice to continue losing weight. 

he wanted his phone, he needed it. but he understood that he couldn't have it.

he didnt want to recover.

and you won't recover, he told himself, you'll pretend to get better and then work off all the pounds you gained faking wellness. then youll get better at hiding everything so no one will catch on this time.

sure, maybe he was wasting phils money, time, and support, but being thin reigned supreme over all of those things. 

he asked himself if being thin was more important than his family.

he wanted to kill himself for saying it was.

tommy tore himself away from his thoughts, looking around the room that he had grown accustomed to over the week or so he's been here.

wilbur had left that morning, before tommy had woken up. his brother had left a sticky note with a message for the sleeping kid.

"sorry i had to go toms, couldn't be late for school (again). see you soon! <3"

he had folded the note up and shoved it in his phone case. it meant more to him than wilbur could imagine.

tommy turned his phone off and rolled onto his back, sighing loudly.

he sighed again, not really knowing why. he wanted someone to come knocking on the door like wilbur had done, but he knew they wouldn't. 

would they bother to show up before he was transferred to inpatient?

he felt restless.

he sat up, kicking his feet off the bed. he stood and went to the window, pulling back the blackout curtains.

the sun was just setting, 'going to sleep', as he said when he was younger. 

he missed when he was younger.

he didnt have to care about anything, he had no grades, no one made comments about his body, he didnt starve himself.

he wasn't being admitted to a fucking ward.

hopelessness settled itself in tommys chest, in his bones, skin, flesh, heart. he didnt want to be here anymore.

tommy pulled the visitor chair over from its spot in the corner to in front of the window. he sat down and stared blankly outside, watching as the sky got darker. watching as the street lamps flicked on, as the traffic slowed.

he remembered when wilbur had called him useless.

it was one instance, during a big fight the two brothers were having. it was the day before techno blade had found wil in the bathroom, bleeding out from a jagged cut in his wrist.

did he do it because of tommy?

tommy seemed to fuck up everything in his life, not to mention other peoples lives as well. what if wilbur had tried to end it because of the argument they had had?

did wilbur really think tommy was useless? he had apologized right after he said it, his had slapping over his pith for a moment after the uttered the words. 

tommy remembered the shocked look on wils face as he grabbed his brother and hugged him, insisting that he didnt mean it.

tommy didnt react. he never had, he had never brought it up since it happened. 

he cried over it nearly every night for months, though.

maybe wilbur had meant it. maybe he had just acted the way he did after the fact to make tommy feel better, for some reason.

because tommy is useless, right?

always has been, always will be. when he tries to think of something good he's done for another person, he comes up blank.

the sun was gone now. hidden under the horizon, going to wake the people on the other side of the earth.

tommy knew he should sleep, he hadn't been going to bed until well after four am for the past few weeks, but he wasn't tired. 

he didnt really get tired anymore.

or maybe he had become accustomed to the feeling. the constant exhaustion causing purple bags to show under his eyes. maybe he just didnt notice the tiredness anymore.

or maybe he just didnt care.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the end :)
> 
> i know that was an abrupt ending, but i want you guys to decide an outcome for yourselves!
> 
> i love you all <3


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